All of My Anguish, All of my Rages, I Have Poured and Not Concealed here. . .

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Skrillex - Summit (feat. Ellie Goulding) [Video by Pilerats]

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Toxic

Okay... This is probably this saddest or worst I've been in a lil while... nothing is going the way I expected in the least. My fam is okay today, that makes me happy. But seems like I am always glued to the wrong f*cking people. Why. WHYYY. He doesn't love you Bree. Get it through your stupid fcking head. I have to pull it together, I can't even get up, this depression is killing me, and work website is down anyway... soooooo I'm just looking for free stuff or maybe a nice non-addict person I can have a good night with. I just want someone to pick me up and take me to the fucking movies after dinner and then maybe we can have a drink, and I'll go home. I've never even gone on a REAL date. I'm so sad... really like I've never even had anyone respect me in my lifetime, and I demand it bc I have dealt with so much I'm basically a fucking pushover, shit taking machine, thus a bipolar (not really, product of my environment still...) raging lunatic when it gets last straw. I'll probably even get too depressed to fucking go on a date if I find a nice guy. Who the hell wants a nice guy. The nice ones are never "nice" they're usually the most perverted, weird, asshole non-normal dudes not even getting into looks. I'm not superficial about how guys look... I love many people and have in my life of all diff kinds. This is me. A lover. But I've become a fighter since Oct of 2012 since too many people drag me into their personal hell. But if I didn't ever make certain choices it wouldn't have lead to that.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/5-signs-youre-in-a-toxic-relationship/

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Digital Sea

"Digital Sea"

I woke, cold and alone
Adrift in an open sea
Caught up in regrets
And tangled in nets
Instead of your arms wrapped around me
And I wept, but my tears are anathema here
Just more water to fill my lungs
I hear someone scream
"God what is it we have done?"

I am drowning in a digital sea
I am slipping beneath the sound
Here my voice goes to ones and zeros
I'm slipping beneath the sound

A song from somewhere below
Deadly and slow begins
Both sickly and sweet
Now picking up speed
Ushering in the world's end
And the ghost of Descartes screams again in the dark
"Oh how could I have been so wrong?"
But above the screams the sirens sing their song

.

Here my voice goes...

...to ones and zeros

*** ones and zeros ***

Friday, September 6, 2013

Bye (God IS Listening)

Gone again to the hidey spot

Dunno when I come back.

Love me? I'll see your texts/calls if you don't see mine within 24 hrs. :)

Conversation started December 6, 2009
4:17am

Briana VideoGirl

stripper funny

Bree's note - I didn't write this, ViolaStrings did but she no longer has a LiveJournal. I just saved it a while back.

Dear Strip Club Patrons

Dear Fat, Disgruntled, Middle Aged, Middle Management Fucktard with a Wicked Sense of Entitlement,

Please remember to bring common courtesy along with more cash when you come to the strip club. I swear, some of you come in to be able to PAY to abuse and belittle women. You love a venue where you can criticize women who wouldn't even LOOK at you outside of the club, much less coo at you with greater adoration than of a new mother to her infant. You would be lucky to eat my farts in real life. Quit asking me if I really like you and if I'm only into you for your money. Do you ask a roofer if he's fixing your roof for the money or the love of roofing? No. Then quit asking me if I'm sexually and emotionally validating you for the fun of it. NO, I am not. I would not do this for free. You are at a strip club, not a regular bar or a church singles mixer. No one here is sincere. That's part of the hassle free anonymous transaction, lubricated by cash and fakeness. You signed up for this when you lied to your wife about where you were going, went to the ATM, changed clothes so she can't smell the smoke and vanilla body spray you're going to reak like in 30 minutes, and paid the cover fee at the door of this STRIP CLUB! Unless you want to cultivate a meaningful friendship with me in VIP (where I charge $500 an hour for my delightful company and great conversation), we are not friends. And when you say "So... what GOES ON in VIP?" I automatically know you're a cheap dumb ass who's never been back there in your life, which is my signal to move on to the next customer. I'll say things like "I'm onstage next!" or "I need to touch up my lipstick!" and never come back, that translates to "you're a tight fisted loser, go get an ugly hooker if you want a $20 BJ". Lots of guys are smart enough to know if you want the undivided attention of a stripper, you gotta pay up, son! Learn to be one of those guys or demand less from me.

Quit asking dumb questions. Of course, the most common question is (while staring at my chest with the intensity of a laser) "Are those real?" FUCK YOU DUDE. THEY'RE FAKE, BUT YOUR BITCH TITS ARE PLENTY REAL ENOUGH FOR US BOTH. I'll usually respond "No, they're a figment of your imagination" or "Sorry, they're actually a mirage". I had some other middle aged sucker pay for them. If you don't pay for them, they're real! Men of all ages are such haters about breast implants. We all know for a fact that some of you look down on us or write us off because our breasts aren't "real", but then they make fun of the girls with natural big breasts for being "fat" or calling them "saggy" or those without them for being "flat chested". Hey, breasts are made of fat, what do you want from us?! Yo, ugmo, if we only had gorgeous skinny girls with real breasts working as strippers, then our work force would be reduced by about 95%, and would drive the cost of our services up astronomically (IE, you wouldn't be able to afford it). Your demand for $10 table dances (with a $1 tip if I'm lucky, like I'm a fucking waitress bringing your fat ass country fried steak and mashed potatoes swimming in gravy) has created the need to outfit ordinary girls with cyborg tits. You're never going to get the chance to touch them, so what's your problem?! If you're going to bitch and question me like it's the Spanish Inquisition, go home to your nagging shrew of a wife. She's 100% natural and as wet as the Sahara for your paunch and receding hairline (I can't blame her for not wanting to fuck you. Maybe if you spent as much time meeting her needs as you did here, she wouldn't be so unpleasant). Quit creating the demand for big tits, blonde hair, and pretty faces, then belittle girls for having bleached hair, breast implants and a nose job. We have them to better drain your wallet."

Gone!

I rode everywhere today. I rode... to a lot of old apts. mom used to live in. I noticed the Monthly Aspectarian is no longer being published or something... it's no where in Lincoln Square. Well I went everywhere I needed to, to blow steam. I came back and I could tell right away I was going to have a hard time from now on but easier, due to the changes in my life. I don't like to give away many thoughts right now, but I'll tell you... I turn on a phone and BAM then I get all these calls?! It's fine... Care... but no one fucking owns me and gets to call me up telling me I'm their GF and doesn't confirm it with me or rather uses a fear style way of getting me to feel like I am going to just agree and shut up. WTF. I have a better reputation now I'd say. I've been through a whirlwind of shit. God did close a door and open a nice, breezy window though ~ I can say I'm fucking RELIEVED to be alone with my own thoughts. I have so much. So many. No one listens. Yet I'm always the best adviser when needed. I am a fucking wall. I...

...don't exist

My name is still mine. But I'm scaring myself. Who the fuck am I...?

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Sugar

Love

I know that you be listenin' out there,

love...

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Weak = Me. Me = Weak.

I think it's time I finally let go of all the bullshit. I fucking hate this feeling that is killing me... Why come tease my brain. Why come over period. Why even FUCK with my emotions in the slightest. You know, it's not like I'm going to kill myself or anything. I'm going to kill my soul, a little. No no no that's not right either. You and you and you and you and whoever else is inside of you can go FUCK yourself with a SICK DICK. I hope you go choke on your actions. Choke on you life. Choke on your wrongs. Choke on yourself. Because I can't breathe everytime I see you. I can't think when you're speaking over my thoughts. I can't look at you without disgust and anguish. I CAN'T. I WON'T. You can meet me in the next life.

GOODBYE.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

My Heart Don't Beat FUCK A Heart Throb Feel.

........

Again.

And Again.

Till I Am Dead.

I Fucking Hate You.

I Fucking Love You.

I Am Not The Girl You Think I Am...........

Makes Me Feel Better :)

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Bye

3rd Time's The Charm...

A Fucking Awesome Goddamned Song

Emily Jane Perkulator Pre BRC Jam Video! :)

1's And 0's

X

X 2

I Don't Do Bad Things, I Don't Do Good

Get It Off

You Only Call Me When You're Sober

Friday, August 23, 2013

Sadness... I can't stand this

I'm Sorry. I feel like a shit head. I just want to make the world happy... I think I will just try and be happy first though..

Is it possible? Am I lovable? Or am I just too fucked up?

Please, I need help...

...The silence is killing me, this is the quietest Summer :(

I hug myself... but I'm not even good for me

[The Water Is Rising]

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Blahdeeblah

Well things are...

...........what they are...........

It's Gon Be One Of Those Nights...

Monday, August 19, 2013

Day 1 Sober/No More Heartache

Hate waking up at night time alone... wondering who has been calling...

I am feeling better after smoking some weed and eating... crying is natural too. :/

Gonna blast jams and probably do a bunch of art to keep myself sane. I can't believe I slept so long... I also need to remember why I should not be friends with some people who will lure my heart into a trap...

I Knew

That You Wouldn't Prove We Are Not Rivals.

He Called Though. So I Feel Better. I Like Feeling Wanted. :)

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Leave Me Alone!

Don't fucking pretend like you care anymore I'm so sick of it. God damn. I hate the games you play.

Friday, August 2, 2013

What. The. Fuck.

Okay... I Swear... I PROMISE Myself that I am going to gtf up, take a motherf*cking shower, ride around, come back and do some hair/makeup and f*cking sit down and WORK. I am in one of those "I'm so retard happy for no reason" moods bc I fed off my friend Jimmy's energy, who, well he is silly and gets the same way, he goes "full retard" as Kalea calls it lol and then I do. Just Skyped for 3 hrs being dumb taking silly screen shots to make everyone think "oookay then".. Well what! Like, YOLO and sh*t. Seriously. But then again, I been cooped up all day when I should've gotten sh*t done. Like clean, write more, well I did write a song actually that's SOMETHING. I'll post it at the bottom. Wait no hang on.. I made Kalea a song and sang her "You Are My Sunshine" bc today is her 23rd bday but... never hear from her really unless It's FB. Shmeh. I did write to my "pen pal" ;) too. Well, it was a rough ass couple of days... I think maybe I deserve a "let's sit on my ass and do nothing" day, just I wanted to do more than I was going to do. But yeah. Something is different. I'm feeling the most independent I've ever felt. I guess after trying everything and clearly failing, it's in a way relieving when you've got nothing left to lose. I don't know. So the world has me feeling "cornered" and well, tough tits. I'll remain calm. I can't just freak out and worry about everything... I've never felt so bad about using the internet bc I have a Facebook. Fucking bullsh*t. That site is the worst thing that happened to the world, I'm seeing that more and more. Why my Aunt felt compelled to tell me how "thin" in the face I am in a normal picture, I do not know. But she is my mother's sister and terrorized her I know. I always wondered why I'd hear my mom get mad at Joy and call her a traitor and hang up on her... She was so fake to us kids; and I see everything my mom had to REALLY deal with now. F*ck her for loving to torture already tortured souls. I can count on one hand the family members in my life who care and they know all of my problems and things that I'm proud of, etc. Besides... I've seen myself look WAY fucking worse in many, many pics let alone in person... She seriously is just someone not a relative to me. She sounds like a catty peer female frenemy: not an auntie... I don't even WANT a profile pic now or any pics because she out of left field does this shit -

Thursday
Joy Seaton

Ur so skinny! Better eat something boo
9:02pm

Briana VideoGirl

?
Joy Seaton

U look super skinny. Are you ok?
9:07pm

Briana VideoGirl

In What Pics....

Or Is It My Face

I Look Diff In Every Pic

Like, Where Do ILook Skinny?

Idk I Am Always Fluctuating.

I Appreciate Your Honesty Actually Though, Don't Worry.
Joy Seaton

Face and arms. You are always beautiful you just seem thin xxoo

I worry anyway
9:10pm

Briana VideoGirl

Tell Me Which Pics And I Can Tell You Why I Maybe Looked That Way?
Joy Seaton

Your profile pic
9:12pm

Briana VideoGirl

W The Headphones?!

Really?

Auntie... I Have Been A LOT Worse Looking... But Yeah I'm A Little Underweight... I Could Use Like 5 LBS

I Thought My Face Looked Okay In That One.
9:32pm

Briana VideoGirl

Oh Maybe It's Just BC I Got My Brows Done

Hurts My Feelings Bc I Eat Regularly...
Joy Seaton

No you are still beautiful! ! Always! ! You just look thin that's all. I am sorry!

Not this picture!
10:00pm

Briana VideoGirl

I Think I Get The Thin Part Auntie.
Joy Seaton

The other profile one
10:00pm

Briana VideoGirl

Yeah... Cuz I Just Had My Brows Done Maybe

It's Recent From The Other Day But... At Least Someone Is Telling Me
Joy Seaton

No you always look beautiful though.
10:01pm

Briana VideoGirl

I Guess.
Joy Seaton

As long as you aren't doing anything bad
10:02pm

Briana VideoGirl

Depends On What Constitutes As Bad
Joy Seaton

You know
10:02pm

Briana VideoGirl

No I Don't

Hi, My Name Is Bree. I Do Drugs. Lots Of Them. I Eat Food, Sleep, And Fight With My Family, Friends, And Then We Get Along. My Weight Never Stays The Same. This Is Me.
Joy Seaton

Ok.

Sorry i just worry that you might do ---- again and that scares me. I trust your judgement with drugs but not that one. That's all. I am sorry for making you feel ...negative in any way
10:08pm

Briana VideoGirl

?????

Wow
10:10pm

Briana VideoGirl

I Am Not About To Fight About This. Yes I Am An On And Off User. Acceptable? Maybe Not. Telling Someone In Your Family, Over And Over She's Skinny In The Face/Body... Not Nice. There Are Nice Ways. I'm Done Talking Bc My Defenses Always Make You Upset. But I Can't Help But To Defend Myself.
10:10pm

Briana VideoGirl

And... I'm Not... About To Judge Anyone Else.

So... Thanks.
10:12pm

Briana VideoGirl

I'll Uhm, Maybe Make Sure To Eat Until I Puke, I Eat And Sleep And Do Drugs When I Feel Like It, --- Is Right Up There With Any Kind Of Speed Including Medicinal Script Kinds. I Am Sure It's So Horrible Seeing That The Niece You Never See In Person Is... Skinny Looking In A Profile Picture. There's A Lot Worse Crap Going On You'd Never Dream Of So Yeah. I Appreciate It. But Now My Self Esteem Is Totally Shot.
Joy Seaton

I only said it once and i did not mean to upset you like this. I am sorry.

And it may seem like I'm distraught... I'm just a loser in love, so I'm sure everything will be right in the world. Time heals all wounds. And the bullshit fairy just came to tell me all that actually; so I'll honestly say I know now what's really going on as of late - PEOPLE heal themselves, yeah time helps but you can't just sit there and be like "I'm better!"... actively grab ahold of life it's in the palm of your hands, so many people including myself have just dropped it but I'm at least TRYING to pick it up... ppl fuck up and then they go and blame and point fingers, (thank you, you know who you are for reminding me that one should not go pointing fingers before having full on truth and knowledge of what your finger is pointed at...) and greedy ass ppl I have been stuck with with my messed up magnetism for the most part don't enjoy life... That has also been me for a long time. I'm not cured, shit... I know I am guilty of being gossipy, a bad lover, a hypocrit, shallow, ignorant when I know I can learn and fix things, not very careful of my choices, saying... yes I've been a fuckup by cookie cutter standards but okay... I'm good~bad. Sane~crazy? I am not your average messed up damaged goods person. But... I'm answering to myself here so... W/E. I'm getting cheese fries. :P And here is a completely unrelated to the prior writing above music vid... it is called "You Know You Ghetto" by some guy who made this wonderful one hit wonder when I was 15, his name not important. Song/vid: you MUST watch or I don't want to know who the hell YOU are!!! (basically, I Know I'm Ghetto, maybe I know you already, totally joking about not wanting to know anyone bc whoever is reading this, well, I thank ya. :)

You Know You Ghetto And now for some other sorta unrelated sh*t about us heavily rooted Chicago ppl in our prime moments of realness...! Keepin' it real NOT trill. The word "trill", when looked up in the dictionary that does not exist as a real dictionary but is called UrbanDictionary means "true and real"... peeps. It's not a real word. So I'm gonna be like my idol Ali G who is indeed an actor but he does encourage keepin' it real heh... Especially in "Ali G In Da House" his movie... Erm. Ok I'm going on and on. STFU and roll the 10 min clip, Bree... (I don't know why I put me dancing for a min. and 45 seconds before all the street hood footage, but here is some stuff.) I can't sit here any longer aahhhhh!!! The bike is calling my name... Stay tuned and shield your eyes and ears or turn it off if it's freaking you out, and please don't watch it at work lol. PARENTAL DISCRETION IS ADVISED... Not PG13 material, yadda yadda, ok bye! The Streets of Chicago, AKA the Chi Underground (And Me Dancing?) Sorry, I'll post the song I wrote too: "Life's Fresh Air" Yesterday, I start to say As I lay, my mind stays, mighta lost some memories, but I looked good last night asleep in my clothes A lot went down, can't f*ckin' process what I chose I hope I can forgive me and give myself a beat ~ BAM! Got no metronome but, inside this head of mine Is where I hear these sounds and words I can write for all to find Outside my head and out here, I hear Voices and see visions of all the things unclear It's like Nicki Minaj but she's got some wise words Now, Dead Prez "Turn Off the Radio" is something you ain't heard... *pause* This feeling isn't confusing, just the ongoing week Trying harder, seeming stronger but I know that I'm weak... I'm good, I'm up, I'm torn, I'm tough Life's hard I plant seeds, and like the trees I breathe I exhale and give back the life that they need Phones, drones, I'm feeling my nerves

On the daily, I fix up with some meds n herbs I kill drop dead gorgeous sunny days away Everytime I hit the smoke the pain turns to haze But then that mist always fades until I'm left with today [God damn, that was f*ckin yesterday...] The smoke I choke isn't so good to toke, As your polluted information is a serious joke If I had time to tell it all, I'd probably be dead Just don't go fake the funk please spare my ears and my head This is how I live bc life is the way So I pay. The price of living is dealing with breathing day to day I don't pray to God, but regardless I pray That I won't die sooner than later and just stay... This is the price, I choose life and I pay."