Okay... I Swear... I PROMISE Myself that I am going to gtf up, take a motherf*cking shower, ride around, come back and do some hair/makeup and f*cking sit down and WORK. I am in one of those "I'm so retard happy for no reason" moods bc I fed off my friend Jimmy's energy, who, well he is silly and gets the same way, he goes "full retard" as Kalea calls it lol and then I do. Just Skyped for 3 hrs being dumb taking silly screen shots to make everyone think "oookay then".. Well what! Like, YOLO and sh*t. Seriously. But then again, I been cooped up all day when I should've gotten sh*t done. Like clean, write more, well I did write a song actually that's SOMETHING. I'll post it at the bottom. Wait no hang on.. I made Kalea a song and sang her "You Are My Sunshine" bc today is her 23rd bday but... never hear from her really unless It's FB. Shmeh. I did write to my "pen pal" ;) too. Well, it was a rough ass couple of days... I think maybe I deserve a "let's sit on my ass and do nothing" day, just I wanted to do more than I was going to do. But yeah. Something is different. I'm feeling the most independent I've ever felt. I guess after trying everything and clearly failing, it's in a way relieving when you've got nothing left to lose. I don't know. So the world has me feeling "cornered" and well, tough tits. I'll remain calm. I can't just freak out and worry about everything... I've never felt so bad about using the internet bc I have a Facebook. Fucking bullsh*t. That site is the worst thing that happened to the world, I'm seeing that more and more. Why my Aunt felt compelled to tell me how "thin" in the face I am in a normal picture, I do not know. But she is my mother's sister and terrorized her I know. I always wondered why I'd hear my mom get mad at Joy and call her a traitor and hang up on her... She was so fake to us kids; and I see everything my mom had to REALLY deal with now. F*ck her for loving to torture already tortured souls. I can count on one hand the family members in my life who care and they know all of my problems and things that I'm proud of, etc. Besides... I've seen myself look WAY fucking worse in many, many pics let alone in person... She seriously is just someone not a relative to me. She sounds like a catty peer female frenemy: not an auntie... I don't even WANT a profile pic now or any pics because she out of left field does this shit -
- Thursday
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Briana VideoGirl
Like, Where Do ILook Skinny?
Idk I Am Always Fluctuating.
I Appreciate Your Honesty Actually Though, Don't Worry.
Joy Seaton
Face and arms. You are always beautiful you just seem thin xxoo
Briana VideoGirl
Tell Me Which Pics And I Can Tell You Why I Maybe Looked That Way?
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Briana VideoGirl
Auntie... I Have Been A LOT Worse Looking... But Yeah I'm A Little Underweight... I Could Use Like 5 LBS
I Thought My Face Looked Okay In That One.
Briana VideoGirl
Oh Maybe It's Just BC I Got My Brows Done
Hurts My Feelings Bc I Eat Regularly...
Joy Seaton
No you are still beautiful! ! Always! ! You just look thin that's all. I am sorry!
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Briana VideoGirl
Yeah... Cuz I Just Had My Brows Done Maybe
It's Recent From The Other Day But... At Least Someone Is Telling Me
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Joy Seaton
As long as you aren't doing anything bad
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Briana VideoGirl
Hi, My Name Is Bree. I Do Drugs. Lots Of Them. I Eat Food, Sleep, And Fight With My Family, Friends, And Then We Get Along. My Weight Never Stays The Same. This Is Me.
Joy Seaton
Sorry i just worry that you might do ---- again and that scares me. I trust your judgement with drugs but not that one. That's all. I am sorry for making you feel ...negative in any way
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Briana VideoGirl
I Am Not About To Fight About This. Yes I Am An On And Off User. Acceptable? Maybe Not. Telling Someone In Your Family, Over And Over She's Skinny In The Face/Body... Not Nice. There Are Nice Ways. I'm Done Talking Bc My Defenses Always Make You Upset. But I Can't Help But To Defend Myself.
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Briana VideoGirl
I'll Uhm, Maybe Make Sure To Eat Until I Puke, I Eat And Sleep And Do Drugs When I Feel Like It, --- Is Right Up There With Any Kind Of Speed Including Medicinal Script Kinds. I Am Sure It's So Horrible Seeing That The Niece You Never See In Person Is... Skinny Looking In A Profile Picture. There's A Lot Worse Crap Going On You'd Never Dream Of So Yeah. I Appreciate It. But Now My Self Esteem Is Totally Shot.
Joy Seaton
I only said it once and i did not mean to upset you like this. I am sorry.
And it may seem like I'm distraught... I'm just a loser in love, so I'm sure everything will be right in the world. Time heals all wounds. And the bullshit fairy just came to tell me all that actually; so I'll honestly say I know now what's really going on as of late - PEOPLE heal themselves, yeah time helps but you can't just sit there and be like "I'm better!"... actively grab ahold of life it's in the palm of your hands, so many people including myself have just dropped it but I'm at least TRYING to pick it up... ppl fuck up and then they go and blame and point fingers, (thank you, you know who you are for reminding me that one should not go pointing fingers before having full on truth and knowledge of what your finger is pointed at...) and greedy ass ppl I have been stuck with with my messed up magnetism for the most part don't enjoy life... That has also been me for a long time. I'm not cured, shit... I know I am guilty of being gossipy, a bad lover, a hypocrit, shallow, ignorant when I know I can learn and fix things, not very careful of my choices, saying... yes I've been a fuckup by cookie cutter standards but okay... I'm good~bad. Sane~crazy? I am not your average messed up damaged goods person. But... I'm answering to myself here so... W/E. I'm getting cheese fries. :P
And here is a completely unrelated to the prior writing above music vid... it is called "You Know You Ghetto" by some guy who made this wonderful one hit wonder when I was 15, his name not important. Song/vid: you MUST watch or I don't want to know who the hell YOU are!!! (basically, I Know I'm Ghetto, maybe I know you already, totally joking about not wanting to know anyone bc whoever is reading this, well, I thank ya. :)
You Know You Ghetto
And now for some other sorta unrelated sh*t about us heavily rooted Chicago ppl in our prime moments of realness...! Keepin' it real NOT trill. The word "trill", when looked up in the dictionary that does not exist as a real dictionary but is called UrbanDictionary means "true and real"... peeps. It's not a real word. So I'm gonna be like my idol Ali G who is indeed an actor but he does encourage keepin' it real heh... Especially in "Ali G In Da House" his movie... Erm. Ok I'm going on and on. STFU and roll the 10 min clip, Bree... (I don't know why I put me dancing for a min. and 45 seconds before all the street hood footage, but here is some stuff.)
I can't sit here any longer aahhhhh!!! The bike is calling my name...
Stay tuned and shield your eyes and ears or turn it off if it's freaking you out, and please don't watch it at work lol. PARENTAL DISCRETION IS ADVISED... Not PG13 material, yadda yadda, ok bye!
The Streets of Chicago, AKA the Chi Underground (And Me Dancing?)
Sorry, I'll post the song I wrote too:
"Life's Fresh Air"
Yesterday, I start to say
As I lay, my mind stays, mighta lost some memories, but
I looked good last night asleep in my clothes
A lot went down, can't f*ckin' process what I chose
I hope I can forgive me and
give myself a beat ~
BAM!
Got no metronome but, inside this head of mine
Is where I hear these sounds and words I can write for all to find
Outside my head and out here, I hear
Voices and see visions of all the things unclear
It's like Nicki Minaj but she's got some wise words
Now, Dead Prez "Turn Off the Radio" is something you ain't heard...
*pause*
This feeling isn't confusing, just the ongoing week
Trying harder, seeming stronger but I know that I'm weak...
I'm good, I'm up, I'm torn, I'm tough
Life's hard I plant seeds, and like the trees I breathe
I exhale and give back the life that they need
Phones, drones, I'm feeling my nerves
On the daily, I fix up with some meds n herbs
I kill drop dead gorgeous sunny days away
Everytime I hit the smoke the pain turns to haze
But then that mist always fades until I'm left with today
[God damn, that was f*ckin yesterday...]
The smoke I choke isn't so good to toke,
As your polluted information is a serious joke
If I had time to tell it all, I'd probably be dead
Just don't go fake the funk please spare my ears and my head
This is how I live bc life is the way
So I pay.
The price of living is dealing with breathing day to day
I don't pray to God, but regardless I pray
That I won't die sooner than later and just stay...
This is the price, I choose life and I pay."
