So... I woke at 9 pm tonight. Usual bullshit time that I get up at lately. It's not warm outside yet like Spring should be, and I'm lately getting into more and more arguments and bs than ever in my life. My computer's been tampered with so much, all 3 of them... I feel like I can't even trust them or what I write or when I work. I dunno. I miss having a "boyfriend" or real man. All I've encountered are people that aren't serious it seems, and sell substances and that basically makes them the person they are. I've been serious with people who dealt drugs and that didn't make them who they were, it's just I guess anyone I've met really is not serious. Working in the Adult Industry I must say not many men take me seriously, and many girls I like I may be too forward with or have problems getting to like me back? I have bad luck, bad magnetism... And I can't seem to make staying in psych wards the opposite of annual if not more. My diagnoses (diagnonsense as Lisa from the movie "Girl, Interrupted" would say) ~ hyperverbal, hyperartistic, anxiety, depression, bipolar, delusional, responsive to internal stimuli, PTSD, a high functioner, manic, cooperative, enjoys isolation, OCD, experiences hallucinations and shows signs of drug induced/previous abuse psychosis and addictive traits. Drug addiction issues extensively listed...
BLABLABLA! And what makes me me, is the product I am from my environment so you psychologists and psychiatrists n Drs can just shove that shit up your ass. The city of Chicago is angry, and from Cops to Hospitals/Healthcare ~ they are no longer doing their jobs correctly because I was released March 27th as "RECOVERED" after 1 week of all these problems that have been going on for 5 years. ARE YOU KIDDING. You're the reason I do drugs! All your lies! The only people working in these places are sickos, what did they wake up one day and decide they wanted to help people terminally ill, mentally ill, in prison, etc?! I don't know. But I do know I'm disrespected on a daily basis for being me and all I seem to be is a pushover who is outspoken and very easy... Just a natural human being with an extra bit of kindness. Oh and maybe I look decent too, and am often confused as crazy/paranoid delusional when really they're a bit intertwined and it's not delusional it's INTUITIVE. No one listens to my advice really, maybe just a little and that being SOMETIMES, but I'm just listed in their books as a wack on drugs. Either way the Docs would have me on something so I can't win. But it's not about winning, I just want to stay alive here, and what's scaring me is the fact I'm becoming more and more isolated and apathetic towards the world... I just want some normalcy back. Just a little. And there's not much I can do except all the millions of hobbies I have... there's just not enough you can do as a tortured soul sometimes. Oh well, life goes on. Guess I'll just have to go it alone!
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